Watched interesting interview with Fiona Apple and Quentin Tarantino. As much as I find his movies a bit so so I like the enthusiasm he shows for them. It’s almost child like. Made me smile. During the interview Fiona said that she craves human interaction but is overwhelmed when it happens so she has to be alone a lot to want to be around people again. That rang a bell.
I’m alone a lot, too. I am horribly neglectful to my friends (if they’d still consider me that). It builds up, not answering an email straightaway, then having that on my mind for a few days thinking I just need to find a quiet moment (funny), then getting a bad conscience and finally putting it in my mental “don’t even touch it” drawer. That thing is full, I am unhappy to say.
Interacting with people has acquired the connotation of facing my failures, so I avoid it “what are you up to, how’s Uni, found a job yet?” Etc. There’s no ill will in those questions, but I feel small when being asked them. S. knows I hate them, so he doesn’t ask. With him it’s easy. We know each other since kindergarten, I know not to put my finger on his wounds and he doesn’t either. We watch movies together, or bad TV like infomercials or drive around with the music we currently or used to love as our soundtrack. But it has been months. Last time was Christmas (his Mum always invites me on the 25th for coffee and cakes, she likes me, like an amusing pet)
Other social interaction is online or family. Most times I just react even there. I don’t want to be alone all the time. I just don’t know how to maintain my friendships. Or if they are friendships worth keeping. Also I can’t communicate with anyone who isn’t very close during my dark weeks.
Dark weeks. Or months. I can’t expect understanding, so I don’t. And watch movies they would not like anyway, so it makes sense. And then I don’t feel lonely, just alone. Clever me.